I finally de-virused my computer and turns out there were 78 viruses instead of 27. *guilty face* heh...heh...*tugs at collar* Luckily not too much has been happening that I have had to write about. My hair is now a nice auburny orangey shade. And it supposedly looks very good. So that makes me le happy. I like it too! Oh jesus christ, the blonde was so fucking ugly. AGHHHH! How could you guys let me do that to myself?!?! Sick joking bastards! Oh lala. So today i didn't go to parenting and Mr. L thought he would play this practical joke on me and say that we did our summative today in class and that he gave me a zero. I was fucking shitting myself! Then Mal comes up and was like "Josh just told me he did it because he knew we were skipping and wanted to make sure we never did it again." BASTARDS! Everyone was in on it. The whole fucking class. God dammit. But that period I spent with Adam, Mal, Gavin and Jordan. Greg showed up a little later after we had gone to Loeb and bought a shit load of food. We got four boxes of frozen food like popsicles and ice cream sandwhiches, two bags of chips, cheese strings, a huge case of root beer, 2 bags of twizzlers, and a can of whip cream! And the funny thing is...we almost ate it all. OMG!!!!! I hafta to say what I did to Mal with the whip cream. She wouldn't let me put it in my own mouth so I said don't spray too much in my mouth then. So she sprays so much that I can barely close my mouth. So I called her name, she looked at me and I spit it out onto her face, hair, and clothes. LMAO. I heart her. She's such a good sport. Only problem is she smelt like puke for the rest of the day. hehehehhe. *hugs to Mal* Lordy lordy lordy, I spent alot of the day with Adam and he's just such a sweetheart. I have so much fun with him and it's really pissing me off that I can't have him. But fuck that. He's just...uh! I heart him. But I'd rather have him as a friend, the way we are now, than not have him at all. The last two periods I was outside with Adam, Sarah, Mal and a whole bunch of other people and Sarah and I were just sun-tanning and now I look like I was living on the sun I am so tanned. lol. Other than that, I am in an amazing mood. I love being me, when i'm with him...*sighs*
I can honestly say that I never ever want children. If I ever have a kid i'll give it to Kelsey or Mal or sumthing. Cuz I know they love kids and they'd want it. When I got the baby this morning it didn't cry until rehearsal at lunch. And it cried the whole way through that. Then when I was in english class it started to cry, so I went out into the hall and started to feed it, since that's what it wanted. Karen and Sharlyn came by. Karen put the Fefe Dobson song onto the babies ear and the baby stopped everything. It just went silent and basically died. FEFE DOBSON KILLED MY BABY! Just joking. The batteries just happened to die at that exact moment. So I spent the whole next period running around looking for Mr. L. When I finally found him, he changed the batteries, and reset it. So now I have it until the period before lunch tomorrow. And it has done nothing but been needy from the moment I got home. And I mean, just random crying cuz it wants to be rocked. I dun like it. I'm really not a motherly type of girl. But it's all good now. As long as I can get a lil bit of sleep, so I can look halfway decent tomorrow. The softball team has been taken over by Ms.Chapmans grade 10 volleyball team. Basically she thought that if we stayed on the team that we would intimidate the little grade 10's. So we got kicked off. I'm thinking that's a really big piss off, but i'm being passive agressive around my kid today so i'll let it slide...until tomorrow at 10 a.m. Then she's gettin a piece of my foot in her ass. We got the team together. We rounded up the money. We did basically everything just for her to turn around and kick us off. MY FOOT IS ACHING FOR MS. CHAPMANS FACE...N! lol sorry. Adam was in his in school suspension today. I missed him a lil bit. Since we've been spending nearly every class we could together. Just for the sake of havin somethin other to do than go to class. So the deal between him and I, is that yes he likes me, but, no he doesn't want a girlfriend. Now, wouldn't have that been a whole lot easier if he had just told me that off the bat? Like jeese louise! I've been runnin around jumpin in and out of my confusion tree for like 2 weeks now. lmao. But now again with the passive agressiveness. I have a kid...what do I care? He's so very cute though...*blushes* I wish he was on MSN right now actually. *looks at her right wrist watch* damn! *looks at her left wrist watch* damn! damn! I heart back to the future! I hafta vent about Mal and Geoff, because personally I think he's taking her for granted. I mean, yes he's there for her alot, but the little things count too. Like maybe saying bye? lmao. He had insight today at lunch and was there one minute, and when Mal went to turn back around he had left. Didn't even say goodbye. Or how about when Mal died her hair red? You know what he said? "well at least it's soft." Or how about this one? "Geoff, do you have complete faith in me?"-Mal "In what sense?"-Geoff "ouch. In every sense."-Mal "Well then no."-Geoff Now it definitely isn't my business, I just think that he should treat her better and appreciate what he has and how much she loves him. And i'm done for now because my mommy bought neapolitan ice cream and it's calling my name. *****P.S. It took me almost an hour to write this one little journal entry because the baby cried 5 times! *angry face********
Okay, now he knows who he is so i'm not saying names. And I know he'll read this, so i'm not gunna bitch too much. But holy fuck! What does he expect me to do? I'm not waiting around forever, even though that's what it seems like i'm doing. I have liked this guy for how long now? 2? 3 months? And I don't even know if he likes me! I mean he said he did. But he also kinda took it back. Then with the "not yet" thing. I am confused outta my tree. I have a shit load of guys that like me too, and I like none of them, because I like this guy! Even Chris said it today when we were talking! I was like "...and I mean, I can name off a whole bunch of guys that like me..." and Chris interrupted and said "We all can name off the guys that like you." I mean it all comes in one shot. It really is all or nothing and it just so happens that i'm obviously choosing the nothing. He has not made a move and it's driving me up the wall. I really am beginning to think that he just doesn't like me and doesn't want to hurt my feelings. We're really good friends right now and some days I feel like I want nothing more than to keep that forever, but then I have those days where I just want to be with him. Apparently my feelings don't count though. In parenting we're supposed to write a childrens story with a moral behind it. Like don't take candy from stranger or look both ways before you cross the street. I wrote a story like that when I was probably eight or nine. It was about not lying. It was pretty good for an eight or nine year old. Maybe i'll find that and use it. lol. Speaking about parenting class, I have that god forsaken baby tomorrow. I have a feeling i'm gunna put it in the freezer. Fuckin baby. Just so no one thinks i'm a child abuser, it's a fake baby, for all u non-parenting class people. lol. Adam just got suspended. Not so good. I heart him so much. I hate his mother. *growls* dumb bitch. *growls* My day was okay. I just dunno wut i'm gunna do with my life anymore. But whatever. Time to pay all attention to Adam. bubyes!
Basically my friend group that's getting closer is Sarah, Leanne and I. We just tend to bond more. I would not give up my other friends like Mal, Mandy,Katie, Chris, Andrew, Andrew, Knockimov,Gavin, Stick kid, Kim, Erica, Ari, Sarah, Steve, Jen, Sharlyn, and so on...for anything but we're all forming little sub groups within the big group. That was brought to my attention by Sarah yesterday. And it really sucks. We need to have a huge end of the year party and bring everyone back together. But anyways it's all good. Leeanne likes this guy at school. Who's name will remain top secret...we'll call him Bobbathon. Ho-kay so Leeanne likes Bobbathon and has been bitching bout it cuz she didn't think he liked her back. So today Sarah went up to Bobbathon and asked. And guess what Bobbathon said?!?!?!?! BOBBATHON LIKES LEEANNE! He just isn't ready for a relationship right now. BUT YEAH! Now all Sarah and I hafta do is find ourselves some guys. Speaking of guys. If you read my entry from last night. you would know why I was so happy. But now I am just confuzzled. So very confuzzled. Mal wasn't at schoolo today cuz she hurt her cratch. lmao. And everyone can ask her about that. I can see that now! "mal...why is ur cratch hurting? *scared look*" And that was my day. woot.
I am uber happy again, cuz I'm super "hyper" and I just kepy bugging Adam, saying "ask me out. go on. do it!" lmao. Just joking u know? And I was just playing and did a subliminal messaging thing saying "hahahahahahahahahahahah[ u]askmeouth[/u]ahahahahah a" lol. and he wrote back "hahahahahahahahaha[u]not [/u]hahahahahahahahahaha[ u]yet[/u]hahahahahaha" YUS!!!!!!! He said not yet! I was just joking! But, yes!!!!! What does it mean tho? I DON'T CARE! HE SAID NOT YET! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA! And i'm done. eeeeeeee! yus!
I am uber happy again, cuz I'm super "hyper" and I just kepy bugging Adam, saying "ask me out. go on. do it!" lmao. Just joking u know? And I was just playing and did a subliminal messaging thing saying "hahahahahahahahahahahah[ u]askmeouth[/u]ahahahahah a" lol. and he wrote back "hahahahahahahahaha[u]not [/u]hahahahahahahahahaha[ u]yet[/u]hahahahahaha" YUS!!!!!!! He said not yet! I was just joking! But, yes!!!!! What does it mean tho? I DON'T CARE! HE SAID NOT YET! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA! And i'm done. eeeeeeee! yus!
Seriously...who am I kidding?!?! I can't just not like Adam. I mean ya I was all hurt and shtuffies but he is such a sweetheart. I practically spent the whole day with him. Bah! He's so cute. But I have given up completely. I know he'll never like me so I'm totally giving up. Sarah and Leeanne think that I have a chance but if they saw the way he looked at me, they would know automatically that I so don't. But I wish he did like me. He did kiss my thumb better tho. :P Anyways that's enough of being sad over him. I tried talking to Jeremy for Sarah but he would just not hear any of it. It was so dumb and almost made Sarah cry. Afterwards we went to Loeb and Adam and his friends were there...he left his friends and came to see Sarah and I. Sorta humped me and blamed it on Sarah too. lmao. So then Sarah and I bought juice, pizza buns and aero bars. We went back to sit down on the side walk and eat. This really fat retarded lady walked by and was like "i'm gunna step on ur fucking chocolate bars!" It was so funny, yet creepy at the same time. lol. I was supposed to have rehearsal after school but my mom called the office and said there was a family emergency and that I had to come home. When I got home my mom said it was all cleared up and I didn't have to worry. Leeanne and Sarah had come home with me, and raided my clothes. Sarah took my beige cord skirt, maroon net top and black mini skirt. Leeanne took my black zip up sweater and my half top. They look very cute on her. We ate popcorn and went crazy, then I walked them half way home. It was fun. Now i'm just sitting here, writing in mon journal...but I should do my law ISU and email it to mr. Elliotte...maybe i'll do that now...prolly not but i'll try anyways. bubyes!
I'd like to take back everything I've written about me liking Adam and the other way around. It was brought to my attention, by him, contrary to what he had said before, that he just doesn't like me like that. I should have known it was too good to be true. I always thought it would be a complete fluke if he ever started to like me. I mean, ask anyone! I was so fucking happy it's pathetic. I actually can't remember the last time I was that happy. But now I know what's going on, and I should know by now, that when something makes me happy or I think it's too good to be true; that it's not gunna make me happy and it really is too good to be true. I'll never actually get used to being hurt over and over again and I'll never see it coming. Just like I didn't see this coming. But I'll do what I always do and pretend it didn't hurt and doesn't hurt and make it seem like I'm all fuckin right once again.
Yetserday night, I was at Cory's house on MSN and Adam was on and he told me he had sent me an email. So I checked and he wrote: "hey you!! shwhere r u ur most certainly not online *thumb down* im home now woot woot and i got to read ur story it was very cute lol im glad ur hair looks good and next weekend sounds like a plan weeeee im very very tired right now and i barely got to talk to you cuz crazy cam decided he would sign me out without even letting me say bye SO heres the kiss u woulda got *kisses* oh lala how romantic a kiss:O but yes i must get going now i am very sleepy:) nite nite"
WHiTeY `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`''`'
Isn't that sweet?!?! He's so cute. omg. And then last night we were finally talking about what he was talking about in the letter we were writing to eachother in law class. And he basically gave me a hint and it clicked. He likes me?!?!?!?!?! *falls over* For the rest of the night I was hopping, jumping, dancing, squeeling and smiling. lol. So now i'm all happy, my hair is like a strawberry blond, and I heart Adam. awes *blushes* I'm going to see a movie today with Katiekins, my other mom (Anne-Marie) and Megan. We're seeing Ella Enchanted. yay! Oh god, i'm so happy. Well i'm gunna go and be happy all by my lonesome. yayayayayayaya!
Today turned out to be the best damn day ever! I had a bad morning, just cuz of the drama that's still going on with sarah and her shit. But I had math in the basement so there was no effort to be needed. I hate stairs. I always resort to crawling up them. Morning + stairs = cranky Jade. Then I had my spare. In which I hung out with Mal, Cory, Matt and...(heart) Adam (heart) I'm so fucking hopeless. Then I had photography. I printed pictures and am in the process of making my "montage" picture. it should be called a collage...cuz that's what it is. It's supposed to be a fantasy type land thingy. So I'm using the pics I took of my benches infront of le building and the pic I took of Erica and Sunshine that cuts off at the torso. Basically they'll be sitting on the bench. Well, more torso-ing on the bench. And behind them is a huge flower. There's gunna be an alien head poppin out somewhere from the wall, bicycle p.o.v shot and prolly clouds lining the top of the pic. I'm thinkin of puttin half of Seanarchy on one bench and then on the other side of the pic, the other half of him. It would look so damn awesome. I'm hoping I have a pic of a lamp post or sumthin like that. Maybe even a tree. It would be so awesome. Fuck I need another damn roll of film. I also need to finish alot of my fuckin projects. Gad damn. Anyways, lunch was interesting. I was so fucking mad. I mean I was angered out of my tree. It really hit me hard that Adam dun like me. And there's like 10 other guys that do. But I like him so much that I don't like the other guys. I have hope but I know nothin will happen. So I was really fucking pissy and upset. Leanne, Sarah, Mal and I were just sitting on the pavement smoking, eating, bitching and laughing. As soon as I felt a bit better, who do I see?!?!? Adam skateboarding. Gah. It sent me off into a tantrum. Literally. I was jumping up and down, screaming and swearing and just relatively freaking out. And as everyone knows, it's because I'm not used to not getting my way. lol. I'm tres spoiled and everything I want I get most of the time. So now i'm dealing with rejection quite well. Yay for Adam. *insert that face* After lunch was english in which I was too pissed off to even do anything. I just sat there smacking myself over the head with my sprite bottle. Then came law. I LOVE LAW! gee I wonder why. *sarcastic face* Anyways, Adam and I were passing a note and...lemme go get it. Ya that only took ten minutes to find. *is flustered* Hokay so let's start from....*points* there. We'll use *A* for Adam obviously and *m* for me. A-And the same thought just keeps going through my head. M-shwut thought now? A-Thoughts about some people/person<---indecisive :P M-Do I wanna know who? A-It might be of a bit of help. M-lol. ho-kay. so who? A-i unno...lalala M-jackass. lol. Fine dun tell :P TELL! *pouty face* Adam circles the u in *pouty face* A-figure that one out. M-Who starts with a U? Ursula? Do we even know an ursula? A-sometimes I wish I was as smart as you. M-*do that face* K. but who now? Adam points to the *you* in the "sometimes i wish i was as smart as you" thing. >AND YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY AYAAYAYAYAYA!!!! So to say the least i'm confused out of my tree. Knowing my luck it isn't that he likes me at all...it's that he's been thinkin bout me because he's plotting my death. Which is the most probable explination, cuz well it's me...and it's Adam. Adam=hot. Jade=not. ANYWAYS! When I went outside for my last period spare I had a jumping, eee-ing, freaking out fest with Mandy. I was uber happy but now i'm just like huh? shwut? lol. Last period I just smoked and sunned myself. I was super el happy and just all around yay. Now that i'm home, I want to be back out in the sun at school. Just lying down, smoking, and being happy. Home life is sucking and what not. I may be dying my hair blonde aujourdui. For you non-frogs it means today. Anyhoo, i'm off to my g-mas house now. Lobing-grrr! AND YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY AYYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYA YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYAYAYAYA YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY AYYYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA YAYAYAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry, I had to get that out. I can't very well jump around like a lunatic outside by my damn self! hehehehhe! bubyes XD
P.S. Sarah, i'm praying for you and ur g-ma. P.P.S. I'm also praying for you Jesse. P.P.P.S. I'm also missin you Chelle!
Today was okay. It started out great. I told Mandy the truth about what happened with the whole Mal crisis. And the crisis was averted. A whole bunch of other shit happend with friends today too. Like Mandy is dropping out of school and this is her last year...she has what? 5 weeks to go? And she's dropping out. Whatever. Godd for fucking her. I think it's a dumbass move but we can never tell Mandy what to do. She is definitely not a follower. Omar didn't talk to me all damn day. Troy and I made up. We're not hating on eachother anymore. Except today when I told him he looked like a pumpkin and he flicked his smoke at my face... I found out Edith has talked behind my back. Apparently i'm a poser. A poser of suicide. A suicide poser. Yes. because the 4 psychiatrists I have to see make me a poser. Yes. Because i'm highest level depression and bi-polar makes me a poser. Yes. Because i'd rather die than have to spend one more day with the bullshit that's surrounding me, makes me a god damn poser. [u][b]I[/b][/u] was in the R.O.H years before her, with more severe problems than she could ever dream of. [u][b]I[/b][/u] had to switch schools. [u][b]I[/b][/u] had to try and let myself stay alive, every fucking day. [i][u][b]AND I'M A POSER?!?![/b][/u][/i] Kiss my god damn ass. Who the fuck was there for her thru everything? I was always there for her. Whenever she needed me I was there for her. I was one of her best friends. But I guess fuck that too. Honestly...you think you know someone. And as most of you know about the thing with Matt. How I sent all that stuff to his g/f. Anyways, basically she didn't show up today...and he did...let's just say that [i][u][b]I [/b][/u][/i]didn't do anything or could for that matter. :'( I'm definitely never talking to him again for as long as I fucking live. Well hopefully not. And to top things off, I still have to deal with Adam not liking me. I'm not even sure I like him like that. I dunno what it is. Ah well...bad shit happens to me too often, but that's what THERAPY is for! hehehehe. Who am I kidding? I don't go to therapy. I walk in, they look at me and hand me perscriptions. Ah the story of my life. ready for it? Novo Chlonodine, Wellbutrin, Lithium Ethinol...and I dunno the rest by heart. Anyways, the fun that comes with those meds is enormous. lol. I still haven't done my law ISU. I'm going to be in so much shit, but I just can't seem to get going on it. I have far too much shit to deal with right now. I may go crazy. wait. already there... Worst day in a long time...
*What if the tears never stop, but you keep coming? Why didn't you stop? I tried running... You pushed me down. You climbed on top. I closed my eyes and prayed you'd stop. I screamed my loudest, but no one came. I know that you can't say the same. You stood and did up your belt. You left my house, without a care how I felt. I was lying on the floor, completely in tears, I thought I knew you...I've loved you for years. If you ever come near me ever again, I'll fucking kill you. You're life will end. I have nothing left to say to you, it's over and done with, I'm through with you. Our friendship is over, this is the end. I'm not your girl and I'll never, ever be your friend. Ever again...*
Today...was so off key. It's not the way it should have been. I had hung out with Adam. I had hung out with Steph and Abby. I had hung out with Sarah and Leanne. I had hung out with Omar. I had hung out with the basement people too. And nothing was going the way it should have been or was happening the way it was supposed to. Sarah was in a fight with Abby because Abby was spreading a rumor that Sarah slept with Omar. NOT TRUE. Sarah was also in a fight with Steph because Steph slept with Troy, whom Sarah was going to go out with. And this was just this past weekend! Anyways so this morning none of them are talking to eachother and then two periods later everything is all fine again! I was like *shwut face*... I had math first period, then parenting and then my spare. On my spare I went and hung out with Adam, Andrew, Jordan, Brianne and Sarah. Jordan and Adam were skateboarding and they both failed. I can't skateboard, so, I was still impressed; but Adam says they were sucking so i'm taking his word for it. GAH! Adam is tres hot. *fans herself* I have to snap an elastic that's around my wrist everytime I see him or think of him or i'll never come back to reality. The reality being: HE REALLY DOES NOT LIKE ME!!! *shucks face*... Lunch, I hung out with the basement friends and we went to Harveys, where Gavin bought us all food. We stayed there for a little while and then went back to school. We sat outside near the flag pole and just sang and hung out. We scared Jeremy off. *music note*SHE FUCKIN HATES ME!*music note* that was for Jeremy ;) 7th period, we stayed outside and talked about a grad prank and then went inside. 8th period we did nothing again. Just sat around, smoked, sang, bein happy. Then I had 5th period, which was english and we talked about a whole bunch of shit relating to the world today compared to the world of yesterday. Like 1930's. It was insanity. The I get out of class to find out some other stupid shit that happened to Omar. Fuckin hell. Wierdest day ever...
So today i'm in law class and that stupid fucking moron of a teacher decides to switch us all places. He puts me at the very middle front of the class. HE PUTS BRETT WESTON THE STALKER RIGHT BEHIND ME!!!!!!! And the fucking fucker is fucking breathing down my fucking neck. (pardon my french) Then to the left of me I have some foreign Indian kid, to the right of me I have some foreign Italian kid, and behind me to the left and right are two chinese kids who hate me. I AM PISSED OFF! Then I look to the right side of the room and all my friends are in a fucking row together. There's one little space there where I could go, but no! NO! he puts Adam White there. And of course him and Terri have this thing and i'm all pissed already and I have to hear them flirting the whole fucking class and i'm about ready to murder someone. Then I have to put up with Brett trying to fucking talk to me and breath down my neck at the same god damn time. I DON'T CARE THAT YOUR FRIEND DIED! IF I DON'T KNOW HIM, HE DOESN'T MATTER TO ME! FUCK OFF U STALKING SON OF A BITCH! So I finally get out of that class, just in time to go downstairs and get my shit. I go outside and everyone feels the need to aks me what's wrong. So I start yelling and screaming and the vice principle comes up and tells me that I have to go see guidance tomorrow and that i'm being placed in an anger management program if I can't control myself. So I told him to bite me and walked off. I get on the bus with only half a deck of cigarettes left. Which is 6 for you non-smokers. AND I JUST BOUGHT THEM AT LUNCH! I AM NEVER GIVING AWAY SMOKES AGAIN! WHY DO I IN THE FIRST PLACE!?! ***!!!!!!IT IS DAYS LIKE THESE THAT REMIND ME WHY PEOPLE SMOKE AND COMMIT MURDER!!!!!!*** And ho-kay Saturday here's what went on. I had to go to Matt's show at Club Saw. But first I had to pick up Adam at Rideau and we had to go to me g-mas for my lil cousins b-day party. So I pick him up and we get there and we have a fucking great time. not. Like you heard yesterday or the day before when I wrote on here. So we went to the show and Matt hates Adam and that was a hootinanny. Becky and Dan never came and ended up fucking. woopwoo. Not so great. But it's their life. MY DAY SUCKED AND I HATE EVERYTHING THAT'S GOING ON! GAH! GRRRRR!
It's only 10:04 on a Sunday morning and I can already feel my heart breaking.
Yesterday my uncle came down from Wetaskiwin, in Edmonton, Alberta. I went there last summer and I swear I had found home. I hated and dreaded coming back to Ottawa. And when I got here my depression went completely downhill. I was so happy in Wetaskiwin that I didn't need medication!!!!! And for all of you that know me, that's a HUGE step. Anyways, he brought a gift from my aunt with him. My aunt Vicky is my favorite person in the whole wide world and I miss her more than anything right now. My uncle walks up to me and hands me a huge stack of computer paper, with designs on them. You know. That fancy kind of paper. And he says, solve the puzzle. So I start looking through the stack of paper and my aunt had written me about a 5 or 6 page note and hidden the pages here and there in the stack of paper. I finally put them together and it was talking about how much she missed me and how she had gotten me a bracelet. It's all the different colors of Jade. And she had an explination for every different color on the bracelet and they all involved me. (I can't stop crying while i'm writing this. I miss her so much.) And she just wrote how I was just like a daughter to her and how much she missed me and I just broke down in tears for like 30 minutes. I had to stop reading and just cry. My g-ma, g-pa, mom, uncle from Wetaskiwin, cousin Scott, cousin Ashley, and my friend Adam were there and they had no idea what to do. My mom, g-ma, g-pa and uncle were all crying with me, cuz they know how un-happy I am here in Ottawa, without my aunt Vicky and Wetaskiwin. I mean i even love the fact that when it's hot down there, my hair doesn't frizz because it's not humid! I was born to live there and i miss it so damn much. The bracelet she got me is from Tiffany jewelers and it's so beautiful. I didn't know what to say. I was practically in awe. I just wanna be back there so bad. I miss everyone that lived down there. A whole bunch of my cousins lived down there too. Cousins that I hadn't seen in god knows how long...like since I was 4-5 months old. I just saw them and they were like "oh...my...god...Jade?" And my Aunt Vickys' daughter Mel. I love her so much. She's like the best sister ever. I only met her for one day and I felt like I would never have been fully happy without her. We did everything together that day. She's like 30 I think but she's amazing. When I had to leave the next day at like 6 in the morning, she asked me to wake her up to say goodbye. So i did and she hugged me and told me that they had already bought my plane ticket for next summer to come see them all again. I cried the whole plane ride home. I cried when I got off the plane. I cried when I saw my mom-not because I was sad, but because I couldn't believe I was back in this awful place. I don't belong here and I never have. I am so upset and I hate it here. In Wetaskiwin, I was surrounded with the most amazing people, the nicest environment, the...oh god. I just can't imagine me not being there again. It is my one true joy. And I miss everyone, and everything.
Now what brought all these things to the surface is that; I was talking to Colin this morning and he told me he was going away. I was like "what? where? what do you mean?" And he told me he had to go back to North Bay for a while, for a family reunion type thing. I mean he actually gets to go back to where he came from. Where he still had happy times and wasn't insanely depressed like he is here. I know he was depressed living with his dad, but he's worse off when he's here. He get's to leave. He's gone for the bus already. I am so jealous and lonely. But that's what my meds are for...right? ya...
And if you guys don't know...I'm being put on bi-polar meds. Um. Lithium Ethinol. I'm going to be so royally fucked up. I have to keep on with my depression medication, my ADD medication, my iron medication, and now i'm going to be on Lithium Ethinol...if I don't recognize you...i'm sorry in advance. I know it sounds really funny...but it's getting harder and harder to keep going.
I went to a show last night. Matt's band was playing. And even though I thought I was over him, when I got home I cried. He picked Sally over me. And she's hideous. She's fat and she's ugly and she's a bitch. She hasn't changed a bit. I mean I was watching Matt last night and he hasn't changed either. he's still amazing at what he does. I miss him so fucking much and I can barely handle how my heart feels right now. It sucks to think that he doesn't love me anymore. The moral of this story is: [i][u][b]It hurts to love someone who doesn't love you back.[/b][/u][/i]
Mandy was selling drugs on Friday and so was Steve. Mandy was selling weed and Steve was selling acid. I thought I was going to just sit down and cry when they asked me if I wanted to buy any. My face just dropped and I was like "no..." Like...what is going on with our friends? These aren't the people we knew. They're not making the right decisions and not following the right paths...and it's hurting us all.
*Everytime I try to fly I fall without my wings I feel so small I guess I need you baby Everytime I see you in my dreams I see your face, it's haunting me I guess I need you baby*
When tomorrow comes, I'll be okay. But you'll still be locked away. Inside your head. Inside your mind. You don't realize how completely blind, you have been to hurt yourself. You could have talked to me, I would have helped! I miss your face, I miss your eyes. Last time I saw you, you seemed disguised. You couldn't smile. You didn't laugh. I'd give anything to have you back, the way you were, when you were free. I wish that you'd come back to me. But when tomorrow finally comes, you'll be back here, where you belong.
*Edith was an amazing friend to me, and I miss her terribly. I saw her the other day and she seemed the same. Which means that she hasn't been getting too much help. They pump her full of meds and that's it. She's coming home soon...*
[i][u][b]Matt[/b][/u][/i]
We both know what's going on. We both know what's going to happen. You're going to leave, walk away, and i'm going to sit, fade away. But you're going to smile your little smile, wave, pretend you're not hurting inside, And i'll be left alone. Alone to cry for us. Because I know you won't... Because I know you're scared. One day you'll think of me, you'll sit and think. That day you'll come back to me. And i'm going to leave, walk away, you're going to sit, fade away. But i'm going to smile my little smile, wave, knowing you're hurting inside, and you'll be left alone. Alone to cry for yourself. Because I know you will... Because I know you're scared. Scared of being alone...
*I know I love Matt, but some days I wish I had the guts to just smile, wave and walk away from him forever.*
[i][u][b]Valerie[/b][/u][ /i]
It's dark and it's cold and it's lonely outside. Reminds me of the day when you stayed home and died. Where you left me and made me go to school all alone, then come home to no-one to talk to on the phone. Where you made me feel bad and blame myself. I had to talk to someone and it didn't help. I just miss you so much, don't know why you chose to leave. Especially when i'm here wondering... Why didn't God take me?
*Valerie was my best friend from Kindergarten to grade 6. On my 14th birthday I got a call from Katie saying valerie died. I had to go to school and spend my birthday knowing my first best friend would not be with me. I was mortified for weeks.*
[i][u][b]Cold[/b][/u][/i]
It snowed yesterday. I danced about while the flakes hit the ground. It was so cold and a sharp pain struck my heart. I realized that this would be my first winter without you. I sat down on the curb while the flakes hit the ground. It was so cold and a sharp pain struck my stomach. I realized that you were spending this winter with someone new. I lied down on the grass while the flakes hit the ground. It was so cold and the sharp pains struck all over my body. I realized that without you, this winter was simply mocking me. I am alone. I am cold. I am...
*This poem was originally written for Matt. It was a true story put into poem form. I was walking to the bus stop to go to school, and it started snowing. I started dancing and twirling around and the poem explains from there. I was so upset, I was on the ground for about 3 hours. I was completely intransed with the fact that he didn't love me anymore and it nearly killed me. I submitted this poem to Poetry.com and they entered me into a contest. I am now being published in a book of poetry, I am one of 33 people from around the world being placed on a cd of poetry, and I am also one of 33 people in the contest for poet of the year. This poem no longer deserves to be because of Matt. I called it Cold, and take back Matt's inspiration in this poem.*
[i][u][b]Luke[/b][/u][/i]
I'd swear you were doing it on purpose... just to break me completely apart. I've never loved you so much, and yet, you've never been more taken. You just smile and compare new love to old trash. It hurts me so bad, but I smile while fighting back tears. I only want to be with you... Why don't you love me back?
*Luke was my first love. We broke up and he started dating someone the next day. It killed me and it took me almost 3 years to get over him now...i'm still not over him. I'm pathetic.*
[i][u][b]Fake[/b][/u][/i]
What if all I feel inside is all a joke to you? What if this world is just a dream, but not a dream for two? What if my love just isn't real, it's all a fake not true? How am I supposed to feel, in this dream, without you? xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Who was that I saw in your arms so late at night? Why was your grip so strong? Why was the light dim not bright? Is her love for real? How can you tell? YOU CAN'T! you might... Oh, but please, please, come back to me tonight. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Tomorrow came so quickly, so quiet, soft and sound. It krept right up on me, like a pettle blown around on the ground. The days are oh, so lonely when you are not around. You never came back to me. She's in your arms, safe and sound. Moving on is harder than I ever thought it'd be. No one will ever mean more than you did to me. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx I know one day this cruel world will get you for what you did. But in the mean time i'll have to find another boyfriend. Someone to look after me, someone who will care. Someone who won't leave me, someone who won't dare. And in our life together, you'll slowly be forgotten. But you'll be in my thoughts forever, never fully lost... my memory is open.
*That one was about Luke too...It reminds me how immature I was. I really loved him though...he just killed my fucking heart. I blame him for alot of the shit that's wrong with me.*
I have more, and rest assure they're coming on here soon enough. love you guys!
Hi everyone! I know it's been forever, but thanks to Sarah for reminding me that I haven't updated in a long time (HOLY SHIT JADE! You haven't updated ur blog in forever!)i'm updating it now.
It's March break and I've done almost nothing.
[i][u][b]Last Saturday[/b][/u][/i]-went to Joels party. Basically we drank, sang kareoke, and made out. But all guys there were gay...dun ask.
[i][u][b]Last Sunday[/b][/u][/i]-slept off the hangover. I dun think anything else...
[i][u][b]Monday[/b][/u][/ i]-went out with Dave... :D He's alot of fun to hang with.
[i][u][b]Tuesday[/b][/u][ /i]-went to Joels for another party. Drank 2 forty's and was on my third, plus 3 of these other cooler thingies...I wasn't all that drunk but I was happy :D
[i][u][b]Wednesday[/b][/u ][/i]-mother finally left for Virginia Beach where she wasn't taking me...*hating-grrrr :evil:* Went out with a shit load of people, and decided I was gunna find my dad when I got home and talked on the internet with Mal. She makes me wanna do things...like get up off my lazy ass and lose weight...
[i][u][b]Thursday[/b][/u] [/i]-I do not remember...prolly spent all day shopping at Carlingwood.
[i][u][b]Friday[/b][/u][/ i]-Went shopping int he morning at carlingwood and then spent the rest of the day at Rideau with Colin, Sarah, Steve, Erica, Kate, John and other people. Sarah and I went to see the movie Taking lives. I screamed, she laughed! [b][u]"where'd he stab her? -the stomach!- Where'd she stab him? - the heart!- oh my god..." [/u][/b]I saw Edith. She looked just as crazy as she had been since she went into the R.O.H. God i miss her... :(
[i][u][b]Saturday[/b][/u] [/i]-I went to see a movie with my g-ma. Secret window is crazy...it does not end like u think it will :shock:
And now it's Sunday and all I did was get my g-pa to drop me off at home. Got into a fight with Matt over msn and got into a fight with Cory over msn too. I think i'm cursed with msn. lmao.
Cory and I are going to break up I know it. And when we do, we'll never be friends again. It's a relationship or nothing kinda thing with us. It sucks, but I don't even know if we can stay together much longer.
I was gunna go out with Matt Friday, but i found out his ex Sally (my old best friend) still liked him. SO i rpomised myself if he still liked her i wouldnot go out with him Friday. I asked him if he still liked her and he said yes. SO i cancelled Friday. He got super pissed and yelled and called and yelled over the phone and oh my lord it was not good. But i knew this was for the best. My heart hurt so bad, because I know that they'll go back out and we won't. I love him. I know I love him. But he just came back into my life to break me. Like Mal said "I think he should go swimming with an anchor tied to his foot." Turns out he didn't do much Friday but in the evening Sally went over and they're gunna get back together. She wants to take things slow, so in his words "we're friends without borders, kind of coupling"...I hate him. I hate her. I'm so jealous my heart is breaking and i'm gunna puke. :cry:
I GOT INTO A FIGHT! So I was walking to Loeb and this group of guys asked me if I was Abby. I was like no. And the one guy was like well u look like a slut anyways. I ignored him and went to walk away. The dumbass goes and says and ur a fat cow. I turned and knocked him square in the nose and he went straight down. His other friend comes at me and punches me in the eye/cheek bone. I inverted that bastards nuts and then the fight got broken up. I had to be held back. lmao. So now my cheek bone just below my eye is all swollen and I bet I'm gunna have a black eye. My cheek looks so ridiculous! It's all red and swollen. Damn guy! I hate guys who hit women. They always know just where to hit to make it hurt too! *growls*
Lukasz has gone to a friends place for the night and that's great by me because he's really getting on my nerves. Basically, he's so insanely depressed he's bringing everyone down with him. Now I know he has gone through some rough shit, but it's no excuse to just sit and cry 24/7. I mean try to help yourslf out. I may sound mean but if you met him you'd want to put him out of his misery sometimes too.
Shalom again. I have been insanely stressed for the past while so I haven't really written much. I never got to see Edith. Her parents have a block on her friends going to see her. Supposedly we're the cause of her problems. Pffft! As fucking if. Pardon my french, but I have saved her life more times than her parents have done anything for her....EVER! Ah well. She'll be back soon hopefully and we'll be crazy like we used to be....or so I am hoping.
Um...new news. I have a new member of the family. Not a baby, although he acts like one alot. hehehe. His name is Lucasz and he's Edith ex. He has been kicked out of his house for however long and I told him he could sleep here Friday and my mom was just like: "what the hell. Stay for as long as you want." So today my mom enrolled him in Winwood. It's a school for people who need to finish up school and so on. He only has four credits left before he graduates and so on. So he's back in school. We also went out saturday and bought him new clothes, because the only thing he had were the clothes on his back. SO ya. ummm...what else. That's it with him.
I am confused about the whole Cory situation. I want to date him so bad but I don't think it will work out. We were so in love before and now we're just kinda fuck buddies and that's not okay with me. I want it to be so much more but I don't know how he feels about it. He was just kinda like "i dunno, what do u want?" And that's just the most annoying thing any girls can hear. We wanna hear, "baby I love you and nothing would please me more than to be with you again. I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy." DAMN STRAIGH YOU WILL! lol. :roll: But shwatever.
Mandy and Chris are le dating and it's so damn cute:oops:. Mal is on a "finding the truth" streak and I love it. For some reason I so know it's the right path for her *thumbs up*. Sarah is mucho happier:D and I am happy that she's happy. And I hope she knows i'm happy for her because being happy makes people happy. And happy is getting overused and not making me particularly happy:x, so i'm going to stop with the happy talk. Steve is le blah and has found a new friend in Mal. Yay for finding eachother. Katie is still giddy and crazy. Andrew is a nut. And I am le great. Sort of. *thumbs up*
I haven't heard form Chelle or talked to her in forever. She hasn't been updating her blog either! *cries* WHERE HAVE YOU GONE!?! *goes on a mission for Chelle*
And that's it ladies and gents. Fade to black...and fade to black...I SAID FADE TO BLACK! *grumbles* fucking tech crew bastards. YOU BETTER NOT BE ON A COFFE BREAK! WHEN I FIND YOU....*fades to black* where did everybody go? :D
How the hell is a girl supposed to move on if the guy won't let her?!?! [b][u]Chelle[/u][/b] hunny, you are gunna be my example since everyone is sick of hearing about my shitty guy problems! :wink: Chelle's ex cheated on her and they broke up and now all of a sudden he's back with the whole "I still love you" bit. So similar to Matt and I it's scary! Thing is, ya she still loves him (as I still love Matt) and that's just stopping her from moving on. [i][b][u]WHY WON'T THEY LET US MOVE ON?!?!?![/u][/b][/i] Basically I know that we should just hang up the phone, ignore them, block emails, and msn addy's but how can you do that to someone you still love? *screams into a pillow*
On a brighter note, I'm going to see Edith at the R.O.H. tomorrow after school. I'm still a bit afraid because it's like stepping back into the past for me. I'm afraid someone is still going to be in there from when I was in there. What if they recognize me? What if Edith on really heavy meds and is all doped up, like I was when I was in there. I never even recognized my own mother! brb phone's ringing...okies so that was Jon and he wants to go for a walk after supper. I'll explain about him later. Anyways, so when I go see Edith I just pray to God that she's going to be okay. Emotionally and physically. I hope that she's being strong and has people really being there for her. She deserves and needs it. Here's my prayer...and for all of my friends that actually know me really well they know that i'm not religious and detest religion alot of the time. Here's a shocker for them. lol. [u][b][i]*God, please watch over Edith and take care of her. Surround her with your angels and heal whatever troubles she is having a hard time dealing with. She can't do this on her own, and needs a helping hand. Thank you, amen.* [/i][/b][/u]Sorry if I just disgusted anyone. But I know that she could use the prayers. :cry:
Okay so last night around 9-ish my friend Jon comes on MSN and tells me that Erin(his girlfriend) broke up with him because she just "didn't ahve enuf time for him." And that's total bullshit, because I had just seen her with like 5 other guys smashed to hell. Smashed as in drunk. She was like "let's go home and take a shower...all of you guys!" She has this thing I like to call the [b][u][i]*slut syndrome*[/i][/u][/b] Basically she can't handle being with just one guy because she likes to have more than one cock pointing her way at a time. Jon has lost over 50 pounds since the beginning of the year because he was so worried that she was going to do something. Now I have known Jon since '99. He is the sweetest, most caring, biggest darling of a person I have ever known in my whole life time and he doesn't ever deserve to be treated or be made to feel the way she made him feel. SO he asked if we could go for a walk. I met him at the top of my street and we walked around for about 2 or 3 hours. We talked about everything and we both cried. Jon is in a band with Matt. Matt being the lead guitarist and lead singer, Jon being the drummer. And he just knew Matt was going to come back to me like this. We decided that we were always going to be there for eachother, especially if it meant getting out of doing homework :P The problem with Jon and I is that he only ever comes to me all buddy buddy like when him and Erin have trouble in their relationship. Which makes me the one to turn to every so often. I'm not saying that I mind so much it's just kind of one ofthose friendships that you're not friends with them until you have no one else that cares. it kinda sux, but he's a great guy.
Cory is super sick and hasn't been doing anything but sleeping and throwing up since yesterday. I bought him a nice card and wrote him a letter and made him a pic in photography. But hey, that's what i'm here for.
Colin came to the school today and I was pretty happy to see that he was happy. Mal was in a good yet undecisive mood. Mandy was ontop of Chris and then on top of Philapenis. Which was confusing, but whatever. Her and the two guys always had something. Sarah was just sarah, but she's so cute we don't care. hehehe. Steve was tired, damn that baby eh Stevey? Andrew was like dead. he could barely focus, and Katie was Katie. Which means absolutely insanley happy 24/7. Stick kid revealed he was a Newfie. Knockimov made some funny jokes and let's see...Erica wore a great shirt. That's it. lol.
I'll prolly write again before bed, too many things to say...oh wait! I also found out a great threat to say to a duck (since i'm afraid of them) [i][u][b]*Come near me and i'll make you into a pillow!*[/b][/u][/i] How awesome is that?!?!?! k i'm done. LOVE YA CHELLE! Keep ya chin up babe!
I've come to the conclusion that i'm fat and if anyone writes a comment about me being anything other than fat I will hunt them down and gut them like a fish! My my, aren't I the bitter one today...But seeing as I am against animal slaughtering maybe i'll gut you like...a tomato! YES! I will pull out ur seeds! That is os my threat from now on! I am going to gut you like a tomato! How threatening is that? Hell yes...
What am I doing...why am i getting myself tangled up with Matt again?!?!? He hurt me so much the first time and then just left my life and now all of a sudden we're all buddy buddy again and talking about having sex again...WHY! I don't know what i'm doing. He has me like mesmerized...he knows i still love him and i always will...oh god...what am i doing... :( He's going in for reconstructive jaw surgery tomorrow and he's really afraid of it. HE doesn't want anything to go wrong, but i am going to take advantage of the bitter state that i'm in and i hope they sew his lip over his face! That way I won't be attracted...or want to love him again...HAHAHHA lip over face...that was a good one...
Ah yes and then there's school...everyone is still sad and depressed...Colins g-ma passed away *hugs colin* I'm here for ya. Mal aimes Steve and I dunno bout Steve...YES I DO! MUFFINS! I hafta bring those dan muffins...and make some for Chelle! YES! How much is postage on muffins? lol hehehehehe. Sarah is still depressed obviously and...Mandy and Chris are confusing moi! I'm outta the loop! lmao. Loop..that reminds me! I've gone loopy...
Edith is now living at the R.O.H. and I am going to see her Wednesday. but that means going back to my past...I don't know if I can do that...but for Edith i would do anything...I can't just leave her there. i know she'll make some life lasting friendships but she honestly is alone there...ugh my heart.
What am I doing wrong? How come I always fall back in love and miss the guys that are completely awful for me? I am going to tell you the whole matt story...we dated in the summer and basically loved eachother or so I thought. I thought I would do anything for him and he would do the same for me. Turns out I couldn't do anything right and after an insanely hard break up between the two of us at two seperate times he tried to commit suicide. he took a knife and plunged it in and went from one side of him to the other. i thought he was going to die. i wasn't there obviously but he went into surgery and all he kept saying was "this is your fault" blah blah blah. And I had spent all night with him just to hear him say it was all my fault. It broke me to pieces. I honestly thought that was going to be the last time anyone saw me. ANyways...i tried to move on and such and he left my life entirely for about four months and all of a sudden like tow weeks ago I get an email from him saying he misses me and such. I reply in a very asshole-ish manner, but he of course lays down the charm. I of course fall for it and now we're planning to get together. I feel like shit because my heart is like breaking because of what happened last time, but I love him sooooo much...still...ugh. I can't get over the fatc that I may be going back to him...again...after everything...
Chelle! I'm so sorry to hear about u and ur man but things'll be alright. I know you really like him and believe me who wouldn't love you!?!? hehehehe. If the insurance is gunna be too high, smack em with a check. lol. Besides backyard parties are always the most fun! Unless you hafta clean them up...*hates cleaning* And steve I am making you your god damn muffins. And if i don't make them I am going to raid Tim Hortons! lol.
I've decided that my life is black and pink. Right now my nail polish is 4 black nails and one pink. And it's the same for each hand. So for every four black I have a pink. Four bad things always equal up to one good thing. It makes sense. Edth trying to kill herself, Cory and I breaking off for good, Matt trying to come back into my life, Mandy doing drugs again...I'm happy enough for now. I just know that everythng is gunna go ALOT more downhill than it already is. So i'm just gunna sit here and brace myself for the really big downfall because I know it really is going to come harder and faster than it ever has before. But hey...SMILE! And I just want all my friends to know that I love them and I will be there for them, no matter how pissed or sad I get. I LOVE YOU!
I got to school and didn't see Edith anywhere. I was still so upset and crying my head off. It was so hard to keep going. I went to first period and then I had my spare. My third period was photography in which I had Edith AND Cory in my class. I honestly felt like I was gunna die. Edith showed up. She's so out of it and hurting. I felt so awful, but being there for her helped...I had a talk with Cory and just told him how I don't know what I was going to do without him. Cuz really I had no clue. So he just gave me a hug and avoided me all lunch. That sucked balls. Period 8 he came upstairs when I was sittin with Bekah and he was like..."I made a mistake, i'm sorry" BLAH BLAH BLAH! I was happy yes, but now I realise that he's not worth what I did for him. I didn't sleep, I didn't eat, I didn't spend a single minute with dry eyes...so not worth it. Just for him to turn around and be like "i was wrong" NO. Fuck that. But hey, whatever. I'm bitter so yes...that's it. Edith may have to go live at the R.O.H and that's not a cool place to be. But maybe she'll find something to make her feel better there.
I haven't been able to sleep...Since what happened to Edith yesterday and not being able to see her, I've been worried sick. The one person I want to turn to, Cory, decides to tell me that we're completely over. He can't stand that we fight all the time. The reason we fight is because I never wanted him to get too close again because I never wanted to hurt him like I did last time. I swear what I really wanted was just to hold him and have him forever. And now he turns around and says he doesn't love me anymore and that we're officially over. And all I want is to run to him and cry on his shoulder and have him hold me. It's only been at most 12 hours and I miss his voice, I miss his touch, I miss his kiss, I miss the way he smells...I love him. Nothing could hurt this much if not love. I haven't stopped crying since 1 in the afternoon yesterday. My eyes are swollen almost shut, my face is red and splotchy, my heart feels like it's breaking in two, and everywhere I turn in my house...he's been there. He's touched everything. My room smells like him. Everything he's given me is scattered in my room. So no matter where I turn he's there. I just want him with me. I just want him to love me. I feel so sick without him. I honestly could possibly die of heart break...
I haven't been able to sleep...Since what happened to Edith yesterday and not being able to see her, I've been worried sick. The one person I want to turn to, Cory, decides to tell me that we're completely over. He can't stand that we fight all the time. The reason we fight is because I never wanted him to get too close again because I never wanted to hurt him like I did last time. I swear what I really wanted was just to hold him and have him forever. And now he turns around and says he doesn't love me anymore and that we're officially over. And all I want is to run to him and cry on his shoulder and have him hold me. It's only been at most 12 hours and I miss his voice, I miss his touch, I miss his kiss, I miss the way he smells...I love him. Nothing could hurt this much if not love. I haven't stopped crying since 1 in the afternoon yesterday. My eyes are swollen almost shut, my face is red and splotchy, my heart feels like it's breaking in two, and everywhere I turn in my house...he's been there. He's touched everything. My room smells like him. Everything he's given me is scattered in my room. So no matter where I turn he's there. I just want him with me. I just want him to love me. I feel so sick without him. I honestly could possibly die of heart break...
Daily Tip: